Rescuing Your Relationship from Stress

Jon Beaty • Nov 28, 2017

Emotional distance, a loss of intimacy, and the death of romance. That describes our marriage less than six months after my wife and I exchanged vows. We’d married with dreams of living happily ever after. Conflict on our honeymoon cast doubt that our dreams would come true, putting our relationship on the rocks. Then I started a new job that demanded up to 80 hours of my attention each week. I coped with the stress by shutting out my wife.

In the months before our wedding, the passion between us was thick. While we lived 90 minutes away from each other, we’d talk on the phone for hours, send each other love notes, and spend every weekend together. But emotional distance and romance are like oil and water. They don’t mix, and they create a slippery surface that can cause couples to slide into a world of disappointment and frustration. Married and living together, in the few hours a week we had together we became uncomfortable in each other’s space.

That’s a problem many couples face when one or both partners succumb to stress.

The relationship troubles begin when one partner shuts out the other from their inner world. It’s destructive to the relationship, but it’s seldom done intentionally. It’s a dysfunctional way of coping that expresses itself in various behaviors. A recent study in Britain revealed one in four couples sleep in separate beds due to the stress in their lives. Some couples keep their conversations on an intellectual level, and avoid talking about what’s in their hearts. Others use harsh words or silence to keep each other out.

When individuals and couples discover functional ways of coping with stress, they can restore emotional closeness, renew intimacy, and revive romance. My wife and I floundered for three years before I agreed to see a clinical psychologist who guided me toward better coping skills. If your stress is pushing you and your partner apart, you don’t need to wait any longer. Consider these actions as steps you can take toward transforming your relationship from disappointment and dread to one fueled by passion.
Identify Your Stressors

Stressors experienced outside the relationship by one or both partners can cause distress in the relationship. High levels of stress from outside sources often interfere with a couple’s ability to communicate effectively, connect emotionally, and manage conflict in their relationship.

The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale is a helpful tool for identifying sources of stress. Work through the scale with your partner to identify stressors weighing on each of you. Chances are if one of you is stressed, you both are. Add up your individual scores and compare your levels of stress.

The scale provides a starting point for you and your partner to zero in on what’s pulling one or both of you down. As you identify your stressors and compare scores on the stress scale, keep in mind that people react to stress differently. The weights on the scale are based on averages. Your experience may be of greater or less intensity than the score on the scale. You and your partner may also differ in the severity of stress you each experience in response to the same event.
Speak from Your Heart

Once you each identify your stressors, start sharing with each other what you’ve been going through. Take turns answering the following questions:

    In what ways has stress been affecting your emotions?
    What are you doing that helps you cope with your stress?
    What ways are you coping with stress that are having a positive effect on your relationship?
    What ways are you coping with stress that are having a negative effect on your relationship?
    What actions would like to take to cope with and reduce stress in the future?

Listen intently to your partner’s responses. When your partner is done talking, reflect back in your own words what you heard them say about what they’ve been going through.
Strengthen Your Resilience

The ability to bounce back from loss, trauma, tragedy, and other stressors is called psychological resilience. We all possess it. Its strength varies from one person to the next. The stronger our resilience is, the better we cope with stress. If your resilience is weaker than you’d like, you can strengthen it.

Research has identified behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can build up resilience. But the path to strengthening resilience is a personal journey, and each person needs to choose an approach that fits with their values and lifestyle.

Here are some ideas that can help you and your partner choose your path to stronger resilience:

Get socially connected. Social isolation weakens resilience, while social connection strengthens it.

Begin by working on your connection with your partner. Practice by learning to identify each other’s bids for connection and responding by turning toward each other. Cultivate fondness and admiration. Establish what Dr. Gottman calls “rituals of connection.”

Find social groups you both can participate in that share your common interests and values, such as charities, clubs, or community organizations. If you and your partner are struggling with the same stressor, consider connecting with a support group with others who are dealing with similar issues.

Take care of yourself. Stress takes a psychological and physical toll on a person. Engage in activities individually and with your partner that can help restore balance and health to your mind and body.

Discovering and practicing your gifts, passions, and values can restore a sense of meaning and purpose. These are closely tied to resilience. Practicing gratitude is an effective tool for improving mental health. Exercise and good nutrition counteract the effects of stress on the body as well as the mind.

Set and pursue goals. As you and your partner discuss how you each want to cope with and reduce stress in the future and strengthen your resilience, you’ll identify actions to take. Set individual goals and agree on goals to pursue together to bring about the changes you want. Then work out a plan for each goal, and a method for tracking your progress.

Dr. Gottman also has tips and strategies for self-care and setting and achieving goals.
Update your Love Maps

A Love Map is what Dr. Gottman calls the part of the brain where we store important details about our partner’s life including their likes, dislikes, fears, and dreams. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who keep accurate Love Maps of their partners have happier marriages and are better prepared to weather difficult life passages.

Stressful events can change your partner’s view of themselves and their world. Updating your Love Map is important during this time. Ask your partner about how their stressors have changed how they feel about their life, job, relationships, security, and future. Doing so can help cultivate emotional closeness and intimacy, and revive a dormant romance.

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What is Mindfulness?

By Maggie Lavey • 10 Aug, 2021

Mindfulness encompasses a variety of definitions although most are similar in concepts. Mindfulness is described as an awareness that arises from purposely paying attention in the present free from any judgements. Mindfulness is a state of awareness of ones emotions, thoughts, and sensations when each occurs. A third definition of mindfulness is a nonjudgmental state of awareness of present experiences. Various interpretations exist dependent on the context in which mindfulness is being examined. For example, mindfulness can be examined in improving emotional regulation and as a coping tool for stress management. Mindfulness is being in the present moment in ones body in a fully conscious state, aware of ones own experiences without judgement or narrative- just being in the moment in the here and now with an acceptance of how things are; being aware of our own thoughts, emotions, sensations without being caught up in them- an outside observer of self with an awareness of the moment. Mindfulness can be used throughout the day when walking, eating, and whenever feeling emotionally “charged” to step back and observe internal experiences. Yoga, meditation, and breathing are a few ways to cultivate mindfulness. Being mindful allows for intentional actions and responses rather than living on autopilot without being aware. The benefits of mindfulness are plentiful, and a regular practice is beneficial for enhancing wellness. Being able to stop and really get into the here and now and out of automatic unconscious living enhances feelings of well-being and an ability to respond more effectively with emotional control. Mindfulness can improve experiences and interpersonal relationships alike. Mindfulness is Intentional Living. Give it a try and see what happens. How do you define mindfulness? How do you cultivate mindfulness in your daily life?

Why the Pandemic's End Spurs Anxiety

By Stephanie Pappas • 09 May, 2021

Each day in the United States, an average of 3.1 million COVID-19 vaccines are going into people’s arms. According to an April 9 White House briefing, a quarter of the country's adults are now fully vaccinated. The pandemic is not yet over, but vaccination could soon yield a much more normal life, especially for those who have been vaccinated. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, for example, now recommends that fully-vaccinated people can visit with each other indoors and travel without quarantining. But for many, reopening comes with its own set of anxieties. According to APA's Stress in America polling, around half of people say they feel uneasy about readjusting to in-person interaction post-pandemic. Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety , is an expert at clinical strategies for calming anxiety. She spoke to APA about what's driving post-pandemic anxiety and how psychologists can best help. What do you think is driving the anxiety many people are feeling about reopening? Anxiety is driven by uncertainty. There is so much uncertainty right now, from the vaccine roll-out to society reopening to the new normal workplace to the virus and the variants themselves. Every day there is more evidence that vaccines keep us and people around us safe, but there are lingering questions about how long immunity lasts, how susceptible kids are to COVID-19, and when they will get vaccinated. Nobody alive today has ever emerged from a global pandemic into a digital world and navigated this before. We're making it up as we go along, so of course we're anxious. Here at the Center, we have the longest waitlist in our 25-year history. So many people are emerging from the pandemic feeling exhausted, burned out, anxious, or depressed. Collectively, our resources are low, which makes it harder to navigate the layers of uncertainty. How can people handle social anxiety and awkwardness around different levels of comfort as places reopen? The fact that reopening is a moving target makes it difficult to align with other people. You and your bubble might be ready to dine in at a restaurant or get on a plane, but the family next door might have a child who is immunocompromised and is living as they were in January. There are more variables to manage compared with before the pandemic. Plus, social anxiety is driven by avoidance, and we've all been avoiding social interactions for the better part of a year. The fact that we're all rusty is going to make us feel wobbly as we re-enter. It's OK to say we don't know how to do this, and it's OK to ask people what they're comfortable with. That normalizes the uncertainty and awkwardness, and it's quite validating to say, “What are we doing?” or “How does this work?” It can help you feel like you are united with the other person against this larger problem, as opposed to negotiating one against the other. This is a strategy borrowed from couples therapy, where it is often highly effective. How can people feel more comfortable with re-entry? There's one question I've been getting over and over from people who struggle with social anxiety. They'll say, "I did so much work pre-pandemic to get to the point where I could give a presentation or raise my hand in class." They’re worried they’ll be back at square one when they are again in large groups. But social confidence is like a muscle. If you have done work on your social anxiety in the past, that architecture is still there. It will feel awkward at first, but it will come back faster than the first time around. As for feeling comfortable returning to everyday activities, there are dozens of points of re-entry. There will be a first time on public transportation, a first time in someone's house, a first time taking a rideshare. We'll work our way up to large gatherings. Just because you feel rusty or nervous doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means you're getting back out there. Your brain will recalibrate with experience. We all need love, support, and community. Studies show that the quality of our relationships predict our future health, happiness, and even longevity, so it's worth it to push ourselves a little to get the interaction we all need, even if we are the most introverted of introverts. What should psychologists keep in mind for helping their clients right now? Psychologists have a big job ahead of us. It may be hard to balance supporting and pushing our clients simultaneously. It’s important to support each individual’s comfort level and choices, but psychologists also need to notice and address life-limiting avoidance. These are anxious, uncertain times, but there is also a sense of hope and renewal. It is an honor that we as psychologists get to play a leading role. Article by Stephanie Pappas from the American Psychological Association (APA)

The Shortest Guide to Dealing with Emotions

By Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D. • 29 Apr, 2021

Imagine you are sitting in a car, and you are driving down a lonely highway. Suddenly, in the middle of nowhere, a warning light goes off. Your oil pressure is very low. If you just ignore it and continue your drive, you run the risk of doing serious damage to your engine. You know you can get a tow, but this is going to take a while. As you are considering your next step, you suddenly remember a trick about how you can short circuit the warning light. This would not change anything about the engine—it would still be starved for oil—but the low-pressure signal would no longer be blinking on your dashboard, and you could ignore it more easily. Here’s the question: Should you do it? Unless you are seriously intoxicated (at which point you shouldn’t be driving at all), you won’t hesitate to say “no” to that impulse. Rightly so. Turning off the light will not do anything for you. The light is just the messenger, and not the problem in itself. Instead, you would be better advised to take in the information and deal with the situation. This is easy and intuitive to understand when it comes to external problems like car maintenance. It’s much more confusing, however, when the problems occur internally. When we are confronted with difficult emotions like anxiety, depression, stress, grief, anger, or loneliness, we are quick to search for the off-button on our emotional dashboard instead of taking in the messages they contain. Make it stop! Give me the wine and cigarettes. Let me cancel this appointment. Engage me on social media. Show me the movies and video games. Do whatever, but just make it stop! This is often our first response when difficult emotions show up: We try to mute the signal. But emotions are not the problem. They are merely messengers. And the messages they carry deserve at least to be heard. They often contain important lessons, and can call us to helpful actions. Often they show us opportunities. What Emotions Can Signal Fear might show us that danger is up ahead, and we better prepare ourselves. Loneliness might urge us to prioritize close relationships. Grief might open us up to what is important and meaningful to us, while calling out for social connection and support. Your dashboard doesn’t need to be covered up. It needs gentle attention. No, the dashboard isn’t everything—you still have a road to see and navigate. When emotions arise, you can ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” and “Where can I feel it?” and “What does my emotion ask me to do?” and “What does this suggest I am yearning for?” No one turns their driving over to a dashboard, but questions like these help our emotions play their proper role. If it were just negative emotions, this “turn off the indicator” move would be bad enough, but we are similarly incompetent when it comes to positive emotions. Imagine noticing on your car’s dashboard that your fuel tank is full. Oh, joy! You want it to stay this way, and so you decide to rewire so that the gauge always remains full. And people avoid positive emotions too! When we feel joy, we sometimes focus on how we will feel when it goes away, so we try never opening up to joy at all. That would be like the person who just disconnects the fuel gauge altogether so that she will never be disappointed when the fuel runs out because she never allowed herself to notice it was full in the first place. All of this is self-defeating, and yet it’s exactly what many of us do when we feel happy or sad or anxious or hopeful or depressed or satisfied. We like feeling this way, and never want it to stop, and so we cling onto this pleasant feeling, in the hopes of never losing it. Or we detune so it won’t be noticed when it stops, as if being numb is the definition of happiness. We dislike feeling this way, so we push it away as if feelings are the enemy. Feelings are not just about like and dislike. They are how our past and present impact us. They help train our ability to notice what is present, based on what we’ve experienced in the past. They’re like dashboard gauges that help us adjust to the challenges of our life journey. Emotions are temporary. They aren’t meant to be avoided, nor are they meant to be clung to. They are meant to come and go, flowing through you in their own time. They contain important lessons when things are off, and beautiful rewards when things fall into place. Allowing emotions to be there when they occur, to listen closely to their message, to feel them fully with neither clinging nor needless defense, allows them to serve their proper role. Your emotions are not the problem, so feel fully, embrace the change, move forward, and learn how to drive. For more on the Author: Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D.